“Sorry, I am Undercover."
Furiously berating an unseen citizen, the man was upset over his belongings being molested. His subsequent overreaction was caught on video by a neighboring library-goer. See the video here.
Netizens and official media have been quick to dismiss his claims of being an elite military undercover agent, or "暗牌“ as he puts it, as complete rubbish; the army released a statement online officially denying any links to this man.
However, it is the opinion of this writer that he is not only what he claims to be, but an operative of the highest level. Here's why -
1. Official lightning-quick denial from SAF
Anyone who's watched the Mission Impossible series will know, that if an agent is discovered, the government will disavow any relation to the agent, going so far as to completely deny their existence. It is the code of all black-ops: complete deniability.
Within the day of the video going viral, the SAF released a statement denying the man's involvement with them, going so far as to claim that he has no NS liability.
First of all, when has the SAF been so efficient to do ANYTHING?
Secondly, no NS liability? In a country where almost all male citizens serve NS?
There are clear signs of a cover-up here. The very ferocity of the Army's disowning of this man is an obvious indication of how important his undercover role must have been. Too important to ignore, unlike the appeals of NS-men trying to defer their reservist duties for important life events.
2. A perfect disguise
What do you expect of a special forces chap? Bulging muscles? Eloquent wit? Piercing gaze? I bet you think that ninjas walked around during the day wearing a bandana with NINJA written on it.
This is an actual Movie.
No.
The true sign of an elite undercover agent is that he looks absolutely NOTHING like an operative. The man has clearly spent a lifetime honing his appearance - eating 20 cheeseburgers a day to appear obese and seemingly unable to take a breath without sweating - sacrificing his erstwhile fighting-fit physique for that of a fat uncultured pig... all for the sake of his cover.
Normal undercover agents will only ever get to the stage where they blend in seamlessly into a crowd.
It is a testament to the man's amazing skill that he has managed to alter his appearance so sublimely, that it HURTS to even LOOK at him.
Bravo I say, Bravo.
3. Post Traumatic Stress Disorder
Look into his eyes. His crazy eyes.
Look at them.
And tell me you don't see PTSD. Undercover agents are usually cycled out of their cover after a few years, as the stress of maintaining the facade for too long could lead to a potentially fatal discovery by enemy forces.
This man has clearly been an undercover agent for a long time. Far too long. His eyes speak of the horrors he has witnessed... cake buffets with the Taliban. Ice Cream parties with Al-Qaeda. All night maple syrup binges with the Lashkar-E-Taiba.
The horror. The horror.
And yet after all his years of dedication, our government tosses him aside like a used sanitary pad (winged-type) at the first sign of his mental instability?
Shame on you SAF. Shame on you Singapore.
4. Because he says so.
The first rule about fat club, is you never talk about the fat club.
So by revealing that he is an undercover agent, he can't actually be one right?
WRONG.
It's a double bluff. The genius in this is that because he says he's an undercover agent knowing that WE know an undercover agent would never reveal himself by shouting "I'M AN UNDERCOVER AGENT" in the middle of a library (where everyone is MOST likely to pay attention) thus making us think that he is just some fat moron when the TRUTH is that he actually IS a Commando Counter Terrorist Special Operations Forces Plain Clothes Unit operative.
Because sometimes, the best lie... is the truth.
So I implore you, find it in your hearts to pity this man, who has sacrificed his life and health and fashion sense in order to keep the world safe from terrorists and vegetables.
I salute you, Ampai. (Undercover)
Semper Fat.
Posts
