LOOOsin MAAA REEELLUHUHHNN

THAT'S ME IN THE CORNER! IN A ROBE! WITH A CENSER!


AND I'M CHANTING A STAIRWAY TO HEAVEN!!!


You think this is bad? Someone here bought a WHOLE CD OF THIS SHIT. No prizes for guessing. Answers on a self-addressed envelope.

Dongs Without Borders

I wonder if the designer modeled it after his own? If he did, I'd advise him to get it looked at. I'm fairly sure that lurid purple bands and green flecks aren't normal.

Now for more international dong news. North Korea's missiles are named the Nodong and Taepodong. Taepodong apparently means "great cannon". Hehe.

They're poised to launch all-out nuclear fuckery on the imperialist American dogs if the news report from Fox is to be believed.



Below is a showcase of all the dongs Kim Jong-Il has at his disposal set to a rousing ego (but not height)-inflating song!

The Best Animal Songs

Here's an old favorite of mine...


Llamas are pretty good too.


But It appears Obamas are the best.


Please tell me you stopped watching the last video after 1 minute

Wtf...

Kikkoman

SHOW ME! SHOW YOU! KIKKOMAN! KIKKOMAAAAANNN~!



What better way to expound the benefits of Soy Sauce, than to have a Soy Sauce Superhero kicking the shit out of ketchup and banging another female anthropomorphic representation of food?

WTF!

Now the fur will really fly

Just like Disney... WITH BALLS.

Synopsis: Special ops bunnies wielding incredibly modeled real-life military hardware shoot/blow up evil terrorist camels. No sign of cats and/or shit anywhere in sight.

People getting punched in the face... beautiful!

Like it says in the title



Plus...well not everything Samberg does is completely hilarious.

This is not too bad though...

Waterfarc

Jizz in my pants

A real problem for a voluntarily anonymous percentage of men.


Jamie Lyn Sigler is wtfffffing hot!

WTF Am I Watching behaves badly in psychic revenge

aig archives book review bracket brazil cancer china citi college crossword economy education energy facebook february 2, 2009 food gay global warming google health immigration india iran iraq jobs kenken korea krugman madoff march 1, 2009 marketing maureen dowd metropolitan diary mexico modern love natasha richardson news, stocks, funds, companies obama obituaries pakistan pope real estate school sex social q stem cell stimulus package thomas friedman women yankees

No, I haven't gone insane. That's actually the NY Times' most searched words for the past week.

Why you may ask?

Good question. I found out early Tuesday morning that nobody actually reads what my esteemed colleagues and myself write before the videos. Shock and horror!

Hence this:

Bird that sounds like chainsaw

In tune with the educational theme of the last few WTF posts, I give you...The Lyre bird! Or as I like to call it, the Dirty Liar Bird.



Pretty cool huh? But like all women..I mean birds, having one around can be pretty irritating after a while.



But the most irritating birds...are still the human ones


WTF!

Do Not Watch This

Do not watch this. You will regret it.
Beetles know this. Beetles are good doctors.

wtfamiwatching is educational too

Yes, you can not only kill your brain cells here, but also learn completely useless tidbits of information.

For instance, learn more about the MOST TERRIFYING PENISES IN THE WORLD from videos probably made by the person with the most free time in the world.

I give you... THE LEOPARD SLUG AKA 'Mucosus Invertebratus Caputithyphallicus', which literally translates into "Slimy, spineless dickhead"


The leopard or great grey slug is a hermaphrodite species of slug, one of the largest in the world. It is also very sexually deviant and very gross, as it mates by STICKING ITS DICK OUT OF IT'S HEAD, ENTWINING IT WITH ANOTHER SLUG'S DICK-HEAD, mixing their sperm, and then both becoming females before laying eggs.

And get this, according to wikipedia (the universal source of truth in the world), a commonly seen practice among many slugs is apophallation, when one or both of the slugs chews off the other's penis. The penis of these species is curled like a cork-screw and often becomes entangled in their mate's genitalia in the process of exchanging sperm. When all else fails, apophallation allows the slugs to separate themselves. Once its penis has been removed, a slug is still able to participate in mating subsequently, but only using the female parts of its reproductive system.

If you want to see more terrifying penises of the world, please proceed to watch any local English production by Singapore's Mediacorp television. They're all penises. All of them. Giant ones.

Or you could visit this link, where you can see disturbing images of THE MOST TERRIFYING PENISES IN THE WORLD like that of the Shark:


and the Argentinian Lake Duck:

"Much like the shark's claspers, you see, the phallus of the Argentine Lake Duck has a member which is positively covered from base to incomprehensible tip in a series of spines which help to anchor itself in the cavernous depths of its lady lover, which itself spirals and coils about like an obstacle course deep within the female's loins. And if that were not enough, the base of the member has a sort of crown of thorns which extends like a set of anchors into the opening of its mate's vagina, ensuring that no escape is possible mid-coitus.

(Thanks to burbur for alerting me to this treasure trove of information.)

Please sir, more exploding body parts

Beyond a shadow of a doubt, the Japanese have elevated WTF to a completely different plane. Exactly what plane they've brought it to is something mere mortals should not contemplate lest they wish to feel their brains running out their ears.

In their grindhouse and splatter movies, they've somehow managed to translate the panels of a manga into real-life, complete with flying limbs, fountains of blood and Geiger-esque aberrations.

For some reason, most of the protagonists tend to be virginal girls of schoolgoing age but are frequently seen hacking people and/or undead minions into bite-sized chunks like Go-Go from Kill Bill.

Scientists are currently investigating the link between this andthe helpless girls in animated tentacle pr0nz.






Now this! Bikini clad girls in cowboy outfits fighting zombies with samurai swords. Mmmhmm. I give you three guesses what their target demographic is.

All the funk, none of the chunk

Those nutty Canadians, they can invent anything!

Not content with giving Wolverine with his adamantium skeleton, they've turned their attention to making another impossible feat possible: a cigarette analogue.

The SmokeStik is supposedly able to deliver the nicotine hit smokers crave without the cancer hit. With real smoke too! And a funky orange LED light at the "lit" end to let people know to get off your back with the jibes and if they don't stop soon you'll be ramming the SmokeStik into their nostrils.



And on a completely tangential, yet equally WTF note...



THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!

I'd buy that for a dollar

The power of advertising makes you do strange things. One moment you're getting up to go to the can during a commercial break from the 5th rerun of Die Hard and the next thing you know you're driving out to buy that brilliant new ten-gear wanking machine because the power of commercialism compelled you.

On the other hand, there's the stuff that makes you want to shoot yourself, which is what I'll be featuring here.

Wagyu's previous posts here and here were ads that either never existed or were swiftly pulled off the air due to content offensive to puritans and/or the Spanish Inquisition.

The main difference is that in his posts, the ads were actually good. The other difference being it wasn't immediately apparent what they were selling. I assure you that you'll find no such confusion below.

Let me start by presenting an example of what advertising should be. Funny, subtle and with minimal dialogue.



And so we begin...



Shouldn't Russell Crowe and Bubba be selling a crawfish burger instead? I always liked Red Rooster better at any rate.



Good looks Credit MacDaddy. Imma hit up yo used car yard now. W3rd.



Employer gullibility is a grossly underrated trait.



I wish I could get into the head of the person who thought this one up.



In the Boardroom
Exec A: Good news! We've finally managed to buy that primetime ad spot!
Exec B: Nice! So how much of the budget do we have left to film the ad?
Exec A: Uh... $2.50.
Exec B: Fuck.

又快速又愤怒 3:长安车漂!!!!

观看此，并且您的肉球将收缩


尊敬!! Lionel Regal 是非常男性人. 与这比较, F1司机全部是小猫.
这是愚笨的:



什么驾驶的性交呢?!?!

TRANSLATION:
观看此，并且您的肉球将收缩
Watch this, also your own meat balls will reduce in size.

尊敬!! Lionel Regal 是非常男性人. 与这比较, F1司机全部是小猫.
RESPECT! Lionel Regal is very man. Comparing with this, F1 drivers are all small cats.

这是愚笨的:
This is stupid:

什么驾驶的性交呢?!?!
What driving of sex huh?!?!

Always look on the bright side of death

Death sure is a scary thing. Unless of course, you're a fan of a certain graphic novel where Death is a terminally happy (and hot) goth girl. But I digress.

The actors featured in this post have made a mockery of what would normally be a sombre event and have turned it into something resembling a pantomime.

Like all bad actors throughout the universe faced with a difficult acting task, their reflex action would be to overact it. Grossly overact it.

WTF Salutes Donnie Yen

Donnie Yen's star is burning particularly bright now, because of the runaway success of the Kung Fu Biopic, Yip man. And few people deserve it as much as he does, having toiled for so long in 2nd-rate Hong Kong action movies, and then stuck languishing in retarded token asian hollywood roles in the years before SPL (his first mainstream big break of the decade). Finally, the cinema going audience has learnt to appreciate his intensely wooden acting, occasionally homosexual dress sense and awesome physical prowess.

Outside his movies, Donnie Yen kicks ass as well.

For example, he destroys classical music.


He also demolishes dance floors.





Pummels strange noisy people.


Most importantly though, he really rocks some heavy metal.


You know, though it might never happen, I really feel like beating him up.

Wtf!

Dancing skills? Where we're going we don't need dancing skills

Did I say "dancing"? I meant "intermittently rhythmic convulsions".



In case you're wondering, the answer is yes. That's a very young Courteney Cox cavorting with The Boss.



Seek forgiveness for the leopard print jacket. REPENT NOW!



For some reason, I think the costumes are pretty cool like a sci-fi twist on Neverending Story. Trivia time: Scandal's lead singer, Patty Smyth did a duet with with The Eagles' Don Henley on Sometimes Love Just Ain't Enough.

On a completely unrelated note...

Jim Cramer gets WTFed by Jon Stewart

http://www.thedailyshow.com/full-episodes/index.jhtml?episodeId=220533

After watching this, I'm pretty speechless.

W.T.F. Go Jon!

Scaredy Cat

Printy cat - long but worth it


Also don't sing along less you know the lyrics. Just move your mouth like Eddie Izzard says.

Break Dancing

I've always wanted to breakdance, so much that while when I was in the army I took all the surplus cardboard boxes, intending to pad the floor so I could practice. 

Ironically, the folded cardboard boxes ended up as padding between my paper thin mattress and my steel-wire bed frame, keeping my break dancing aspirations to the dreams from whence they came.

But now, as I ponder the literal implications of this particular dance genre, perhaps it was all for the best. 

Break dancing magic show with great disappearing act!

Whoops... awkward!

I think they were looking for "So you think you can break the floor with your face?"

and ended up in the wrong queue.

Either way... wtf!

Some people say the darndest things

If Youtube can be likened to a pit of human banality, then the comments section surely is the eighteenth level of hell.

Here there is a pervasive stench of burning common sense, foul brayings of ninnies carrying on the winds and great horned demons flay the intelligence from the minds of the damned.

Calling all you Hulkamaniacs out there..

There are examples littered through the course of human history of why professionals should never attempt something different out of either a deluded sense of talent or plain greed. Sting in Dune comes to mind as does Mick Jagger in Freejack or maybe even Paris Hilton trying to make anything other than pornographic videos. You don't often hear your manicurist going "I've got steady hands. I think I'll try being a surgeon." do you?

Anyway, back to the Hulkster. At some point during his career, the Immortal Hulk Hogan or his agent somehow got it into their heads that he should try his hand at making a movie. "Brilliant! How difficult could it be?" they must have cried. Keep watching for the cataclysmic results.





I'm assuming the man shat himself out of fear. Fear of potentially catching rabies from Cujo.




Oh well, at least it has Christopher Lloyd in it.




Americans = good. Europeans = bad. Now is it just me or is the villain's accent constantly shifting. It's got Cheech Marin in it too! Oh no wait, it isn't.




Thinnest plot device. Ever.

Kuhl muh.

The best ads fake it!

Its unfortunate that we don't get MADTV in most of Asia, simply because its one of the longest running sketch shows around (apart from Saturday Night Live). Though MADTV doesn't boast a long line of luminaries from its alumni, a lot of its sketches are ballsier, crude, grosser and just a heck of a lot more funny than the oft PG restricted feel of SNL. Though perhaps not as droll or intelligent as British Sketch shows, MADTV deserves its own little pedestal in the halls of throwaway TV comedy.

A few posts ago, I praised subversive commercials for their inherently anarchistic value. So I positively get a spirit boner when I approach the topic of Fake Ads! This is one of my favorite recurring sketches on MADTV. Watch em' and weep...with joy!







WTF don't we have MADtv on cable?!

America the great.

This is America.



And just in case you think I'm being sexist



Remember to wash your eyes afterward.

What. The. Fuck?

I'll buy whatever you're selling

The point of a commercial, which finds its etymological roots in the word commerce (i.e. trade), is to sell a product. To entice you, the gullible viewer, into believing that above all things that you would like to do at the moment you're watching the commercial, you would like to have whatever it is they are selling, in your grimy sweaty hands.

So when soulless tedious commercials suddenly seem to sell nothing but pure unadulterated entertainment, we just have to take notice. After all, when the soundtrack of our lives is made up of "buy! buy! buy!" , who can resist a free laugh?







And here's something for the ladies...ladies~.


What the fuck are they selling again?

New Recipe! More flavour!

This is a real book cover, I don't have to say anything else.



"Semen is not only nutritious, but it also has a wonderful texture and amazing cooking properties. Like fine wine and cheeses, the taste of semen is complex and dynamic. Semen is inexpensive to produce and is commonly available in many, if not most, homes and restaurants. Despite all of these positive qualities, semen remains neglected as a food. This book hopes to change that. Once you overcome any initial hesitation, you will be surprised to learn how wonderful semen is in the kitchen. Semen is an exciting ingredient that can give every dish you make an interesting twist. If you are a passionate cook and are not afraid to experiment with new ingredients - you will love this cook book!"

Oh ngy ngod.

Oh ngy thuckin ngod.

Wtf Cats

Animals can really make you go wtf sometimes, mostly in a cute or funny way. Similarly, pet owners can make you go wtf in a really cute and funny way too.

A cute and funny way of making you want to kill them (and then yourself too).

Once again, in my typical fashion, I present to you 2 videos that may seem harmless and all fuzzy and/or heartwarming, but in actual fact reflect a perversity on the part of the people involved in (or behind) the video that is true to the meaning of the phrase "wtf".

And they involve cats.

Risky Cat


Ninja Cat (you have to watch quite a bit of it to realise what it's about)


I like cats.

They meow.

wtf.

Got your mother in a whirl/she's not sure if you're a boy or a girl

I'm sure in your various travails across the infinite interw3b you would've come across the uniquely Japanese indulgence of dressing up as French maids. Couple this with the endless Japanese appetite for androgyny and you can more or less guess where I'm heading with this.

Get ready for a Surprise!!


Crossdressing(?) se-yo

Who Botches The Watchmen

I just watched Zack Snyder's three-hour porno epic, Watchmen, Alan Moore is rolling around in his grave.
Oh wait he's not dead.
This is not a movie review site! If you want a fucked-up review of Watchmen you've come to the wrong place, go read 8 DAYS!

I think the main problem was, Something Awful ruined the comic (and by proxy, the film) for me forever. Why? Because of this:

WATCHMEN FUNNIES

Key quote:
"You know what my doctor said? He said I was like Jackson Pollock with shit."

And all that, led to this.

The cooler they are, the harder they WTF

Yeah, that's YOU John Carpenter. You may have created such classics as Assault on Precinct 13, Halloween, The Thing and Escape from New York, but you've also shat some seriously large turds.

To be sure, this isn't an isolated phenomenon. There are a great many directors who, having proved capable of making incredible movies have gone on direct absolute stinkers. For example, Oliver Stone: Apocalypse Now to.... Alexander. Now I'd say his first mistake was casting Colin Farrell but that's a story for another time.

Back to our main story.

Big Turd in Little Cinema
Turkeys such as Big Trouble in Little China will forever live on in infamy for some of the worst dialogue and action sequences known to mankind. What were you smoking, John? Couldn't you have at least shared some with the audience to dull the pain? Starring Kurt Russell as the truck driver redneck hero, Kim Cattrall as the damsel in distress and James Hong (the eye shop guy from Blade Runner) as the villain.







We're in Hell too, Jack. And unfortunately, the answer is yes it is really happening.

Escape from Sanity
Snake Plissken is quite possibly the coolest movie hero in history. Cool enough that Hideo Kojima would copy him almost wholesale for Metal Gear's Solid Snake. After the succes of Escape from New York, Escape from L.A is conclusive proof that Isaac Newton was right all along, that what goes up must come down.






And I always thought that Bruce Campbell's deranged plastic surgeon character had a disturbing physical resemblance to Dr Woffles Wu.

Sunday Morning WTFs

Hugh Jackman Gives Barbara Walters Lap Dance
It is what it is. Now I am sharing it with you so you too, can go completely blind. Since I lost my vision, I find it much hardr to typpe withot seeimg teh keys.

Warning: some of you may find the below content disturbing, because who the fuck gives lap dances to Barbara Walters, right?



Song About Three Syllable Word Getting Turned into Four Syllable Word Receives Hokkien Remake

In honour of Rihanna being dumb enough to stay with a man (who may or may not write music played in the boudoirs of many a woman, but neverthless...) that is clearly abusing her, I present to you, Umber-ella in Hokkien!



Get a Mac. Because it's SWEE.
Wah Si Apple!
Wah Si PC!

SWEE!

WTF, all the way to the bank.

Sometimes it's not so much that the video itself is ridiculous... but the content reported inside is so damn ridiculous that you can't believe people leading large money-generating (ok, ex-money-generating) American banks and who are so much older and richer and condo and car owning than you CAN. BE. THAT. STUPID.



Leave it to Rachel Maddow to speak the truth. WTF AIG? WTF America?

Iesu Terminatum

There's good WTF and there's bad WTF. Good WTF is things I post, and bad WTF is what everyone else posts. I usually leave shit like this for Wagyu to post, since it's his destiny in life track down fucking shit on YouTube for all eternity. But he's not here and you need time's a wasting.

Ode to my sanity

do doo doo doo, do doo doo doo, do doo doo doo, do doo doo douh...
do doo doo doo, do doo doo doo, do doo doo doo, do doo doo douh...
understaaand the things i po-oo-st, don't turn it back on me,
cos i spent half my life off air, i didn't watch tv...

Sometimes your own allies can cause you to melt your mind. No I haven't watch SHIGGA SHAY but already it sounds FUCKED UP because I will want to HIT SOMETHING if I do, and I'll probably clock some senior citizens just to show how GANGSTA I IS, knowHUMSAYIN, NEGRA?!

But I'll help wash away the stain with some true blue-eyed soul, Mick Hucknall as you never seen him befoah, Singing about the rodent recession

Who's spoofing the Watchmen already?

Thank you Wagyubiff for allowing me to post random crap here too!

In honour of Watchmen opening in theaters all across Singapore today, and Dr Manhattan's blue balls of glory, I present to you...

The Best & the Worst Watchmen Spoofs (I've found so far) on Youtube.

Drunk Frat Boys Spoof the Watchmen Trailer.


Congratulations, you have just wasted 4 minutes of your life.

Two and a Half Watchmen.


Watchmanmanmanmanmanlyman Woo-ooo-oooOOOoo-ooOOOoooo-oooo.

Watchmen Trailer as imagined by some guy who plays Spore way too much.


One of the creatures has NIPPLES AS EYES.

Unaired Ozymandias Toy Ad


This was one of the ads submitted for the competition to have their fake ads from the Veidt Empire aired in the actual movie. I actually really like this one, it really reminds me of toy ads from the 80s.

And now for something completely different!



Horrific and hilarious in such a nerdy and mildly embarrassing but not embarrassing enough that you'd want to hide you ever watched this way.

Comin atcha from Hell's Kitchen, Singapore

Comin at y'all live, loud and proud from the Projects of South Central Buona Vista is Shigga Shay! (real name: Pek Jin Shen)

His first single is titled Pretty Fly for a Chink Guy... Uhh... I mean, I'm Still Fly.



In case you're not from Singapore, here's a picture of the 'hood he's from:













Yeah, he's had a tough life, spending a year in Anaheim, California as a kid, working hard on that accent. I hear Anaheim's a real rough neighbourhood, especially in and around Disneyland.

Here's a comment on one of his videos commemorating the 100th subscription to his Youtube channel. In case some readers have completely no clue what this means, I have enlisted the help of Jimmy Shit who has very kindly provided some valuable input with some of the more challenging phrases.

Dear Mister Shay
Greetings, it is LB3. We haven't met as yet but I do hope this finds you well. I must confess I am rather fond of the video recording to your latest musical endeavour. I have a fondness for enchanted penile appendages. I do not care very much at all for the Disney Channel. Oh, for laughing! Please do accept my heartiest congratulations on attracting 100 subscribers to your esteemed channel. I have seen your folio on Myspace and I expect to see and indeed, hear great things from you in time to come. I also happen to be peddling some poly-rhythmic melodies of my own devision and I would be most obliged if you would please give them your careful consideration.
Sincerely yours
LB3

Dear Mister LB3
That sounds most delightful! I shall proceed to peruse your musical contrafibulations at once.
Yours
Shigga Shay (Esq.)

Ave Caesar! Rapituri Te Salutant!

The End Of The World

The End of the World is Nigh. I have seen the signs. The horns of hell hath sounded...and boy do they sound bad.


Poor girl. She's clearly using up her life force every time she sings. She'll live longer if she quits singing for smoking.

Of course you remember William Hung of American Idol fame...here's a quick reminder of his successful debut -


What you might not be aware of...is that the world so embraced his phenomenal performance that he not only got to perform MORE, he also got to record an ALBUM. Then, as if the huddled masses were asking "how can we adorn our altar to failure and mediocrity?", he got to STAR in a MOVIE.


But surely, you say, this cannot be the end? It is only a fluke that we celebrate the worst that humanity can offer! It is a symptom of sympathy that we sustain these morons on fat paychecks whilst they languish in their degenerate state. There is hope for human kind yet, is there not?


Gods save us all.

What the fuck.

Have you seen my cigarettes?

A Zen monk once said, you can find enlightenment in anything, within a mustard seed you can contemplate Mount Sumeru.

All I can say is watching this made me feel a sense of peace. For everyone else, good luck here.

G.I. Joe PSA - Lady Jane Cigarettes


Even more luck required here.



"I fuckin haxored your mom's ass last night!"



No it's not chocolate.
Funny? If you are. WTF? Definitely.

Of Mice and INDIAN SUPERMEN

... And now for something completely different.

From our cousins in the Indian sub-continent (South India in particular), come these men, nay, supermen. Armed only with their bristling handlebar moustaches (the kind you could lose small animals in) and incredible agility (in spite of their girths).

Tougher than Chuck Norris, more quippy than Arnie and Bruce Willis, more of a combined arms strike force than Steven Segal and more resourceful than McGyver.

These men are able to leap trains in a single bound, stop bullets with their bodies, ricochet aforementioned bullets directly into their enemies and generally giving a big "up yours" to the laws of physics and common sense.

One of the more famous ones, Vijayakanth is also a politician, bet you didn't know that one.

WTF: It's an education.

Variations on familar themes
You've seen this one before: Guy slides underneath trailer during chase sequence. More evidence of Indian badassery here, he does it ON A HORSE.



Bulletproof (I wish I was)
This is definitely a WTF moment. Even the guy playing the cop looks disbelieving. Pefect 10s for the gasp and the zoom-in. Very anime, very good.

And no, he isn't a Cyberdyne Systems Model 101 cybernetic organism (living tissue over metal endoskeleton). Can T800s ricochet bullets with such deadly accuracy? No!



Super shots and action replays
In the first portion, not only is the throw impressive, but what's more amazing is how can he down a whole bottle of soda without burping himself to death? The only explanation I can find for this is his facial hair gives him mythical powers, like Samson.

The second portion is where it gets weird. I can't figure out if he hits the guy seven times repeatedly or it's just an action replay. Look out also for where he blocks the knife. Hollywood no-hopers are usually content with blocking knives with their arms or makeshift shields. Pfft. What a bunch of little girls.



The Cessna, Saddam's Indian cousin and The Samurai sword
This one pretty much speaks for itself.



Audience gets a shock too
Watch for when he utters one of the best one-liners in the history of mankind. He ain't no normal man, he Narasimha, asshole!

Generation WTF

I'm convinced growing up in the 80s must've twisted the minds of all those who were kids then. MC Hammer, Vanilla Ice, huge hairdos, shoulder pads..the list goes on. We had great music from the 80s too, and you won't find any of it here.

Okay the song is good, but you're kidding yourself if you think any other band of the 80s can beat Europe frontman Joey Tempest's "hands-in-my-pockets-while-giving-you-a-meaningful-stare" dance from Carrie

CAAAARRRY!

Of course my childhood response to this was: Carry! Caaaaaa-ry! Carry what?

And when all else fails, just do a montage of setting up the stage, lighter salutes, more big hair and sweeping helicopter shots. And the "swing-from-side-to-side-while-playing-galloping-triplet" dance.

THE FINAL COUNTDOWN
No, I've yet to figure out why "We're heading for Venus" because there's sweet fuck all to do there. Also, we've wasted another ten minutes of your life. When you die and your life flashes before you, hopefully some of it will be this.

Mushit Videos

The history of our species is marked from disaster to disaster. The black plague. The banana famine. The holocaust. So its no surprise to me that some of the worst disasters happened in the eighties, where it seems that good taste left for outer space and common sense had all but been spent. Thus in retrospect we salute the horrors that the massive species wide mind-fart transformed into cultural icons in those dark times.

Video of Cheese Overload

You'll definitely need an air supply after that video.

Homoerotic Metal

Did singing about going to a sauna really do anything for their heavy metal cred? Was there really a point in time when starting a music video with half naked Scandinavians working out in a gym considered rock and roll?

Talk about direct

The most ostentatious and subliminal self promotion I've ever seen. Makes me want to try it!

This is just plain disturbing

What could be right about hairy men in tights, big hair and make-up playing some heavy metal disco?

What the fuck!

Lost in Alsatian

Yes we continue our German Sheperd, Arnold Schwarzennegger blow-out. When you're an action star at the top of your game in Hollywood, what do you do next? Like Mr Big when their popularity plummeted, you go to Japan and play at the Budokan!

Or you make fucking weird commercials for tons of money. As far as I can tell, all you need to do to convince the Japanese public to buy your stuff is to have Arnold laughing in a very disturbing fashion for NO REASON WHATSO-FUCKING-EVER.





Japanese salaryman: "Man, work and life is so boring."
Advert: "But after you drink this, you'll become Arnold-san floating in the air, laughing like a debilitated horse!"
Japanese salaryman: "Gimme a carton."





That look says it all.
"Well bugger me Jim-lad, I didn't know slopes could make liquor. And where's my check?"
For good times. Suntory time.

The Man, The Legend: The Governator

Every legend must have a beginning
Setting the tone for the rest of his career, his first big screen appearance in Conan. Lovely. Also starring James Earl Jones sporting a Planet of the Apes haircut. See below for example.

The Man (the Austrian one) himself dispensing sagely advice.

Cerebral sci-fi goes Ahnold
Very meticulous video montage from Total Recall, it includes the death of the Johnny Cab (inanimate machine), a rat and a goldfish. Other highlights include Ahnold shooting Sharon Stone, a midget hooker in a bar fight, a hooker with 3 boobs and of course the Screw You scene. I read there might be a chance of it being remade. Well all I can say is, it better be bloody fucking amazing. Paul Verhoeven, we're not worthy.



Unnecessary violence make for great dialogue
From the epics, Commando and The Running Man. There are times when I wish I didn't watch them as a child, I fear it may have caused irreparable damage to an already frail psyche.





Enunciation masterclass
GET TO DA CHOPPAAAHHH



We've been saying it wrong all this time. It's not tew-mer, it's TOOMAH.



In the End...
I call it the Elvis syndrome. Nearing the end of every superstar's career, there will always be the fried peanut butter and banana sandwich, which leads to horrific obesity, inevitably leading to being found dead on the toilet covered in your own vomit. Only metaphorically of course in this case, but you get what I mean.

I'm talking Sixth Day, True Lies, Kindergarten Cop, Terminator 3 and other such greasy, flaccid treats. Gyaaaaaaaaaaaagggghhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!! indeed.

Gigantism and cute things getting eaten

There are many forms of gigantism in nature: there are very large people in America, for example, and in the Pleistocene era Australia had wombats the size of hippos. South America has the fattest snake on earth, the Anaconda. It also has the biggest centipede on earth and here it is in all its 30cm plus glory



and here is a similar species EATING A MOUSE



and here is COW eating a CUTE FLUFFY CHICK, in a completely unrelated note. Note how the cheeping suddenly falls ominously silent...

Some people take stuff too seriously

So you thought expertvillage.com was a treasure trove of useful information? That it may be, but it seems that it's a treasure trove of USELESS information as well.

Need proof? Here's an ENTIRE SERIES of videos by some guys who take zombie movies and games way too seriously.

I present to you... HOW TO SURVIVE A ZOMBIE ATTACK! Essential stuff if you ever want to seriously kill zombies.

As opposed to jokingly killing zombies.

In case you didn't know what a zombie was


How to become a zombie hunter


Zombie hunters and samurai swords: a killer combination


And to cap it all off, the dilemma that hermaphrodites face every day. Aka how Trey Parker and Matt Stone made their money before South Park (i've even put a pink border around the video to make it more hermaphrodite-y)


Wtf?